It seems like every sitcom shares a feature: friends just come and go, they seldom knock or call first. Think of Friends – the characters simply came and went. You might think Seinfeld was an exception, with George and Elaine buzzing from the lobby, but don’t forget how Jerry’s neighbour Kramer just tumbles in the door. I’m sure to some degree this is about writing a good script – you can’t have a lot of down time waiting for people to answer the doorbell. But it also communicates something about the depth of their friendship.
Some researchers say these kinds of friends have what’s called refrigerator rights. The term comes from a book of the same name, but you may have heard it in pop culture, too. It defines a close relationship, where even though they don’t live there, a friend is able to come and go at will, and even eat from the other’s fridge without asking. It’s a high level of friendship.
For some people, maybe that seems natural enough. You grew up with it, perhaps. But for others, it bothers you. You might think it’s awkward, too intimate, or too trusting. You might ask, “What if I needed those leftovers for lunch tomorrow? What if that dessert was for a party? What if you come in my house while I’m in the shower, sleeping, or arguing with my spouse?”
The lines between family and friend are starting to blur in that kind of relationship. That’s the shift we’re going to explore this week in our pursuit of becoming great neighbours. We’ll look at the relationships with our neighbours that go deepest – where we become like family, with a focused, high level of friendship.
Question: How do you react to people having “refrigerator rights” in your house? Would you love more relationships that close, or are you a bit nervous?
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Another extreme approach, in addition to those we saw yesterday, is to see work as something to avoid at all costs. It’s not a new sentiment – many have seen work as a necessary evil in history. The Greek Philosopher Aristotle saw the ability to live without having to work as a primary qualification for a worthwhile life.
Some try to work themselves as hard as possible to get to retirement, financial independence, partner, or some other goal as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, life is seldom forgiving of such imbalance. I once met a recently retired school bus driver. He’d worked hard at a number of difficult jobs in his life, and had just retired to live the good life. Unfortunately he discovered at the same time that his health was failing, and he was going blind and deaf in the process.
He’d worked himself so hard, thinking the promised land was coming, ignoring his children and grandchildren by his own admission. All that time, he didn’t notice he was supposed to live life and rest along the way, not just at the end. No one ever promised or owed him a certain kind of retirement – yet he’d gambled his health and youth on just such a fantasy.
Work isn’t fulfilling, without work in balance. Rest isn’t fulfilling, except in balance with work.
That isn’t to say there won’t be seasons of busy, hard work when rest is hard to find. Starting a busyiness, residency, apprenticeship, times you need extra cash, all need hard work. But we need to balance those times with seasons of rest, as well. Don’t expect it will always come later.
For example, at one time a goal for early, luxurious retirement was a million in assets – but inflation means that a million isn’t worth what it used to be. Look at Toronto real estate. If that had been your goal, it quickly inflated out of reach.
Another example is retirement age – many people thought they just had to make it to age 65. Now suddenly the normal retirement age is two years later, at age 67. By the time I retire, who knows where it will be! If that age was my goal, it only took an act of parliament to snatch it away. Such numerical goals keep changing, and can’t be our true purpose in life.
Question: When will you know it’s time to retire? How much will you need to save, what will you need to accomplish? Will you ever retire?
