Marriage Course - September 1, 2012

Day 15 - Principles for Effective Listening

For some people, learning to listen is as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to build intimacy in our marriage and grow closer to our husband or wife.

1. Pay Attention and Do Not Interrupt. Allow your partner to finish what they are saying. Research indicates that the average individual only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. Maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time.
2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silences.
3. Acknowledge their feelings. When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection or interpretation. It is important to try and accurately summarize the main facts, reflecting back any feelings they've expressed. This helps your partner to know if you have understood. Reflecting back may feel awkward, but it works!
4. Find out what is most important. Then ask your husband or wife: What is the most important part of what you have been saying?" Wait quietly while your partner thinks about what they want to say. When they have spoken, reflect back again what you have heard.
5. Help them work out what they might do. Now ask: ls there anything you would like (or, if appropriate: like me / like us) to do about what you have said?" Again give your partner time to think quietly. When they have finished, reflect back what your partner has said. enabling them to hear their own decision. The listener then asks, "Is there anything more that you would like to say?" If there is anything more, this should also be reflected back to the speaker.

Question:How do you feel about trying this out? Might it seem awkward? What are the risks, and potential benefits, of trying this new way of listening?

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A life without God at the center is one of alienation from God, and that can be experienced differently by different people.We can all understand and know this kind of alienation personally – it’s a universal experience.

We get this kind of breakdown between brothers and sisters, between parents and children between bosses and their employees—we see it all the time.

WE know this stuff about alienation—what the Bible is saying is that what God intended between us, between God and human beings, has suffered serious damage.

Life is supposed to be about being connected to God and connected to one another. –But that close and intimate relationship that we are supposed to have with God has gotten broken somewhere along the away and then everything else gets out of whack

SO serious things wrong with the world and serious things wrong with us—so much so that we now find our natural condition the Bible says is to find ourselves alienated, separated from God.

This alienation from God takes various forms:

1) Indifference:  I just really don’t care—leave me alone and let me get on with my life.

2) Hostility:  stuff in a persons background—perhaps a parent died when they were young, or they suffered some sort of abuse—-If there is a God why would this happen—I hate God.

3) Confusion:—where would I start—there are so many religions in the world and people believe such different things—what I am supposed to think ? Confusion leads to inaction

4) Fear—people are just afraid that if they get too close chances are I might loose control over my life…. Many people spend there whole lives trying to run away from God.

But the message of the Bible is clear—we were created to live in a relationship of love with God, we were created to have that relationship at the center of our lives and so often that is not the case.

If we are going to be serious about a spiritual journey, we have to face the fact there is a problem in the world we live in. 

But it’s much closer to home than just broken relationships with the world, with others, and with God.

There is something broken about us.

I can say that to you since I think that we are fellow travelers.  Something is broken inside of me.

On a simple level I do not consistently live up to being the person that I want to be—in terms of character development, how I use my resources, how I care for others, in what I invest in my marriage, and the list goes on.

Sometimes I can’t and sometimes I don’t want to. When I do something wrong it isn’t always out of ignorance—  sometimes I WANT to do the wrong thing – that’s human nature—doesn’t mean we are bad or terrible people—that’s the way we are—we all have had the experience of biting our tongue—wish I hadn’t said that.  

So there is something wrong with the world and I think there is something wrong with me.

We will look at this in detail in the next section…but the good news is, this is not who we truly were made to be, and not who we always have to be.

Do you naturally react to God in any of the ways described?  What comes more naturally, indifference, hostility, confusion or fear?  Why?