Marriage Course - September 1, 2012

Day 15 - Principles for Effective Listening

Marriage

For some people, learning to listen is as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to build intimacy in our marriage and grow closer to our husband or wife.

1. Pay Attention and Do Not Interrupt. Allow your partner to finish what they are saying. Research indicates that the average individual only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. Maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time.
2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silences.
3. Acknowledge their feelings. When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection or interpretation. It is important to try and accurately summarize the main facts, reflecting back any feelings they've expressed. This helps your partner to know if you have understood. Reflecting back may feel awkward, but it works!
4. Find out what is most important. Then ask your husband or wife: What is the most important part of what you have been saying?" Wait quietly while your partner thinks about what they want to say. When they have spoken, reflect back again what you have heard.
5. Help them work out what they might do. Now ask: ls there anything you would like (or, if appropriate: like me / like us) to do about what you have said?" Again give your partner time to think quietly. When they have finished, reflect back what your partner has said. enabling them to hear their own decision. The listener then asks, "Is there anything more that you would like to say?" If there is anything more, this should also be reflected back to the speaker.

Question:How do you feel about trying this out? Might it seem awkward? What are the risks, and potential benefits, of trying this new way of listening?

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We look at two more consequences of sin:

  • makes us seek justice in this life
  • separates us from others and from God

Thirdly, thankfully there is something in human nature that cries out for justice. When we hear about atrocities in our world, we long for these people to be brought to justice, for them to be caught and punished for what they have done.

I have never yet met anyone who wants God to be the sort of person who says “you know what, crimes against humanity, or children, just don’t really bother me, let’s just sweep it under the carpet and get on with life.”  No, we want a just world, and want God to be a God who demands justice in this life.

And while our motives can sometimes be mixed, you might be out for revenge, or it makes us feel better about yourself to see others being punished, there is such a thing as justifiable anger—we don’t want people to get away with things.

However, it is not just other people’s sins that need to be held to account; it is our own as well.  If we want a God of justice when it comes to others, we have to accept that for ourselves, too.  God is a God of justice and we are told clearly in the Bible that we will one day all be subject to God’s judgement.   Sin must come up against justice at some point.

And fourthly, sin separates us from others and from God.

Sin is about being far from God, far from that relationship that we were created for.

When we try to replace God with something, or someone else, or us, it naturally introduces a separation between us and God.  Imagine if you discovered your best friend at work was campaigning to have you replaced.  No matter how good the friendship once was, this plan would be insulting, and would introduce a separation between you!

All the sinful things that we do and don’t do, build up a barrier between us and God and between us and other people. remember my little post it notes around the room, and imagine them piling up as thick as a phonebook.  When I first started to sin, it probably seemed quite manageable – I could rip through a post it note or two.  But now that it’s so thick, it’s impossible to break through.

This barrier that sin builds up between us and God is a terrible thing and so often I hear from people who ask why they are not aware of God in my life and I cant feel God.  It is that barrier that has built up between us and God, the barrier of sin, the barrier of our ignoring of God, of our rejecting of God’s hopes and God’s will for our lives.  Something must be done about it, but we simply are not strong enough to rip through that barrier ourselves.

Is there a bad habit in your life that you have struggled with? What effect do bad habits have on our own lives, and on others around us? Bad habits are not always sin, but how is sin like a bad habit?