Marriage Course - September 1, 2012

Day 15 - Principles for Effective Listening

Marriage

For some people, learning to listen is as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to build intimacy in our marriage and grow closer to our husband or wife.

1. Pay Attention and Do Not Interrupt. Allow your partner to finish what they are saying. Research indicates that the average individual only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. Maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time.
2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silences.
3. Acknowledge their feelings. When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection or interpretation. It is important to try and accurately summarize the main facts, reflecting back any feelings they've expressed. This helps your partner to know if you have understood. Reflecting back may feel awkward, but it works!
4. Find out what is most important. Then ask your husband or wife: What is the most important part of what you have been saying?" Wait quietly while your partner thinks about what they want to say. When they have spoken, reflect back again what you have heard.
5. Help them work out what they might do. Now ask: ls there anything you would like (or, if appropriate: like me / like us) to do about what you have said?" Again give your partner time to think quietly. When they have finished, reflect back what your partner has said. enabling them to hear their own decision. The listener then asks, "Is there anything more that you would like to say?" If there is anything more, this should also be reflected back to the speaker.

Question:How do you feel about trying this out? Might it seem awkward? What are the risks, and potential benefits, of trying this new way of listening?

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Slide12We explore two common questions about how God can be good and loving, and yet evil exists in our world.

We get asked many questions – but one that always comes up in every course has to do with evil.  It can be asked many ways:

First – I recognize that you may be asking these questions.   Two possibilities:

1)You, or someone you care about, has experienced evil in our world.  Asking – why is God doing this to me, or us?

Not really asking me about the world – but about you and your friend.  If this is you, let’s make plans to have a conversation about what you’re seeing in the world, and what it does to you and God.

2)You are really asking a philosophical question.  Give you a few ideas to wrestle with today.  But like when we explored the nature of God, this is a mystery that we’ll never completely understand.

Some people think that the fact there is evil in our world means there is no God we could ever describe as good.  A Christian thinker named Augustine once asked a great followup question: “If there is no God, why is there so much good?  If there is a God, why is there so much evil?”   Neither is conclusively proven, it’s a matter of faith, whether you believe there is a God and yet evil, or that there is no God and yet good, reason and life exist.

1) It’s impossible for a loving God to allow terrible things to happen in our world.

First point: It IS possible that we don’t see things from God’s perspective.  That he has plans we don’t understand, or can’t understand.  Imagine a bear in a trap, and a sympathetic hunter who wants to free him.  The bear will attack him if he tries to help, so he sedates the bear.  The bear interprets this as an attack – but it’s actually being done out of compassion.  Then, in order to get the bear out of the trap, the hunter has to push the bear’s foot in further so the catch releases.  Again, the bear would be convinced he was being hurt, and this hunter’s only aim was to hurt him.  He reaches this incorrect conclusion because he’s not a human being.  And we can sometimes reach the same incorrect conclusion because we’re not God.

Of course, this is difficult to see in practice, because we deal with more than fear, more than minor pain.  Sometimes talking about great tragedies, both personal and global.

2) If God is good and powerful, how can he allow evil things to happen?

Either he’s powerful enough to do something about it, and doesn’t, which isn’t good. Or he’s good enough to want to do something about it, but can’t, which isn’t very powerful.

Remember – this isn’t the world God intended.  He created us with freedom to love him or not, and by not returning his love, we brought sin and evil into our world.  God didn’t create evil.  Rather, by creating a good world, he created the possibility that it might not always be good.  He created the potential for evil, by creating good.  Whenever human parents create a child – they have created something good and wonderful.  Of course, there is also the potential for evil – that the child is the next mass murderer, no matter how they try to direct him otherwise.  Does that mean those parents created evil?  No – they created something good, and lovingly let the child grow up as a free adult, with all the potential for evil that entails.

All this means that when terrible evil things happen in our world – God isn’t watching approvingly – this is not the world God created.  He gave us free will, and we abused it.  He’s all powerful, but he’s also consistent and truthful – which means if he said we had free will, he doesn’t change his mind and suddenly take that away to zap the world back into alignment. He willingly limits how he uses his infinite power, because he’s consistent, honest and good.

 

 

Have you ever asked these questions?  What were the circumstances?  Does today’s look at this topic leave you open to further exploration?