Marriage Course - September 1, 2012

Day 15 - Principles for Effective Listening

Marriage

For some people, learning to listen is as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to build intimacy in our marriage and grow closer to our husband or wife.

1. Pay Attention and Do Not Interrupt. Allow your partner to finish what they are saying. Research indicates that the average individual only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. Maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time.
2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silences.
3. Acknowledge their feelings. When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection or interpretation. It is important to try and accurately summarize the main facts, reflecting back any feelings they've expressed. This helps your partner to know if you have understood. Reflecting back may feel awkward, but it works!
4. Find out what is most important. Then ask your husband or wife: What is the most important part of what you have been saying?" Wait quietly while your partner thinks about what they want to say. When they have spoken, reflect back again what you have heard.
5. Help them work out what they might do. Now ask: ls there anything you would like (or, if appropriate: like me / like us) to do about what you have said?" Again give your partner time to think quietly. When they have finished, reflect back what your partner has said. enabling them to hear their own decision. The listener then asks, "Is there anything more that you would like to say?" If there is anything more, this should also be reflected back to the speaker.

Question:How do you feel about trying this out? Might it seem awkward? What are the risks, and potential benefits, of trying this new way of listening?

From Series: "Marriage"

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Through this course, I hope you will find a story to live by…a story that answers the big questions of life.There are lots of stories out there, and lots of them claim to answer life’s big questions, but with varying degrees of success.The Christian story answers life’s big questions in a unique and powerful way.  I have experienced that myself!

So we’ll look at that story now.  Today I’ll summarize it, then each week is going to focus on one or two aspects of this story in depth.

Imagine it as a play with six acts…with God as the writer and director.

The Director writes, or creates a masterpiece – a work of art that reflects who he is in deep and powerful ways.

He entrusts the script to his actors, the human race…gives them everything they need to follow the script.

He does that with the intent that they will play their parts, taking their cues from him as director, and following his script.

Slide8This is how the story of creation began…God creating the world and us, as a beloved masterpiece.

We were created to have a close, intimate, personal connection with God…in the Bible this is obvious, in the story of the Garden of Eden where humans and God were made to walk together.

Another way to say it: Created to love God, be loved by him.

Not like mushy romantic love, or even friendship, but rather like the best, most perfect parent could unconditionally love their child.

A love none of us has ever known…no matter how good our parents were, or were not, they are all measured against this one relationship.

God, like that perfect parent, expressed his love in many ways, one of them by providing all material, emotional, spiritual needs through his creation.

All the children (we) needed to do was enjoy God’s love and care, not try to be anything but what we were made to be.

This is the way the world was meant to be: God, Humans, Natural World all living in harmony under God’s care.  This is the story that begins the Bible, as it talks about a garden where humans and God lived together, with all our needs provided for as long as God was in control.

Or to use our play illustration: God wrote a script, and we were each made to play our part according to it.

God would be the director, who partnered with us, the actors with a part to play in his masterpiece.

Have you ever felt you were made for a purpose?  Have you ever found it, or fulfilled it?  Why or why not?