Marriage Course - September 1, 2012

Day 15 - Principles for Effective Listening

Marriage

For some people, learning to listen is as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to build intimacy in our marriage and grow closer to our husband or wife.

1. Pay Attention and Do Not Interrupt. Allow your partner to finish what they are saying. Research indicates that the average individual only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. Maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time.
2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silences.
3. Acknowledge their feelings. When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection or interpretation. It is important to try and accurately summarize the main facts, reflecting back any feelings they've expressed. This helps your partner to know if you have understood. Reflecting back may feel awkward, but it works!
4. Find out what is most important. Then ask your husband or wife: What is the most important part of what you have been saying?" Wait quietly while your partner thinks about what they want to say. When they have spoken, reflect back again what you have heard.
5. Help them work out what they might do. Now ask: ls there anything you would like (or, if appropriate: like me / like us) to do about what you have said?" Again give your partner time to think quietly. When they have finished, reflect back what your partner has said. enabling them to hear their own decision. The listener then asks, "Is there anything more that you would like to say?" If there is anything more, this should also be reflected back to the speaker.

Question:How do you feel about trying this out? Might it seem awkward? What are the risks, and potential benefits, of trying this new way of listening?

Related Topics: Communication, Listening, Marriage, Relationships | More Messages from Marriage Course | Download Audio

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Yesterday we continued looking at the Christian story as a six act play.  Act 1 was creation, that we were created to love God and be loved by God.  Act 2 was rebellion, when we learned that humans pushed God’s love away.

We continue an overview of the Christian story in six acts with Act 3, Israel.

So what did God do after we rebelled?  Let us figure it out on our own?  Forget about us and move on, create another world on Mars, or somewhere else?

No.

He stuck with us.

Slide10He chose a small group of humans – beginning with one man named Abraham, but eventually the whole national of Israel made up his descendents  – and said he would bring the world back to his plan using them.

He began to work with them, to remind them of the script he had written for our world.

Think of it as a school play…when the kids forget their lines, the director is off stage, prompting the actors to remind them of their lines.

Giving them help, guidance, correction.

This is what God did by giving Israel the ten commandments, and his laws, and prophets.

Reminding them of how they were meant to relate to each other, their world, and God himself.

Unfortunately, God’s people seldom listened, and even when they did, they very quickly went off script again.

Through all this Israel learned a few things, and so can we:

  • God cares enough not to give up, but to work with them
  • That they are too rebellious to actually do this on their own, and need the director to actually intervene.

And so the play continues off script, with the director off stage prompting, but nobody on stage listening or acting in the way he guides them.

Have you ever tried to make yourself “right” with God, or to be perfect?  Is it possible?  Have you ever met a perfect person?