Marriage Course - September 1, 2012

Day 15 - Principles for Effective Listening

Marriage

For some people, learning to listen is as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn in order to build intimacy in our marriage and grow closer to our husband or wife.

1. Pay Attention and Do Not Interrupt. Allow your partner to finish what they are saying. Research indicates that the average individual only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. Maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time.
2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it is like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silences.
3. Acknowledge their feelings. When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what you heard without deflection or interpretation. It is important to try and accurately summarize the main facts, reflecting back any feelings they've expressed. This helps your partner to know if you have understood. Reflecting back may feel awkward, but it works!
4. Find out what is most important. Then ask your husband or wife: What is the most important part of what you have been saying?" Wait quietly while your partner thinks about what they want to say. When they have spoken, reflect back again what you have heard.
5. Help them work out what they might do. Now ask: ls there anything you would like (or, if appropriate: like me / like us) to do about what you have said?" Again give your partner time to think quietly. When they have finished, reflect back what your partner has said. enabling them to hear their own decision. The listener then asks, "Is there anything more that you would like to say?" If there is anything more, this should also be reflected back to the speaker.

Question:How do you feel about trying this out? Might it seem awkward? What are the risks, and potential benefits, of trying this new way of listening?

From Series: Marriage | More Messages from Marriage Course | Download Audio

From Series: "Marriage"

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More Messages Associated With "Relationships"...

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  • Children learn to relate through experiencing, observing, and practicing various relationships within the family:
    • parent-child
    • mother-father
    • sibling-sibling
    • grandparent-grandchild
    • uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.
  • Experiencing: parent-child relationship
    • children learn to love through experiencing their parents. unconditional love
    • important for children to feel accepted for who they are
    • our love and acceptance give our children confidence through building in them:
      • security (knowing they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are)
      • self-worth (knowing they are of value – their self-worth is based on what they think we, their parents, think of them)
      • significance (knowing there is a purpose to their lives, and that they have a worthwhile contribution to make)
    • ultimately security, self-worth and Significance come from God
      • we model God’s parenthood of us
      • parents are in loco dei (in His place to represent Him)

Observing: mother-father (and other adult) relationships

  • children learn to relate through observing adult relationships
    • how we, their parents, speak and listen to each other
    • the physical affection we show
    • whether and how we resolve conflicts
  • children need to see firsthand the modeling of an intimate, committed adult relationship
  • if parenting together, consider doing The Marriage Course to invest in your relationship
  • if not parenting together, work at having thebest possible relationship with your child’s other parent (resolving conflict, forgiveness, consistency, etc.)

Where is your child learning most about how to build healthy relationships?

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