• read each child’s way of showing anger
• aim to teach them "expression," rather than aggression or "suppression"
• help them to express anger appropriately (verbally and pleasantly)
• correct rudeness, destructive behavior, swearing, hitting others, etc. - without shutting them down
• allow them to express negative feelings: hurt, sadness, anger, etc.
• not allowing expression or discussion can lead to passive aggressive behavior, i.e; using negative behavior to get back at parents, such as being uncommunicative, refusing to co-operate, or being deliberately annoying
• we need to recognize if we are contributing to the problem and our child’s anger
• don't punish for being immature in expressing negative feelings
Question: For you, what will be hardest about reacting to anger in this way? Why?
some people react like a rhino – when angry, they go on the attack and express their feelings aggressively
some people react like a hedgehog – when angry, they protect themselves and bury their feelings
learning to control our anger
1. Recognize the root of our anger
HALT – ask: Am I Hungry, Anxious, Lonely or Tired?
displaced anger: buried anger caused by someone in the past can come out in the present against someone else
deal with unresolved hurt from the past through forgiveness
2. Take time out to calm down
press the pause button
avoid jumping to conclusions
3. Label the action not the child’s character
avoid phrases like “You’re so careless” or “You’re so unkind”
children can believe labels
labeling the action helps them to change, e.g.; That was a careless thing to do” or “That was an unkind remark to make”
4. Use “I” statements to express own feelings
helps us to avoid labeling other people
easier for them to respond constructively
and make changes in their behavior
Do you tend to react more like a rhino or a hedgehog? What helps you express your anger effectively? How do your children tend to react? What helps them?
