Children learn to relate through experiencing, observing, and practicing various relationships within the family:
• parent-child
• mother-father
• sibling-sibling
• grandparent-grandchild
• uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.
Experiencing: parent-child relationship
• children learn to love through experiencing their parents. unconditional love
• important for children to feel accepted for who they are
Our love and acceptance give our children confidence through building in them:
• security (knowing they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are)
• self-worth (knowing they are of value - their self-worth is based on what they think we, their parents, think of them)
• significance (knowing there is a purpose to their lives, and that they have a worthwhile contribution to make)
Ultimately security, self-worth and Significance come from God
• we model God’s parenthood of us
• parents are in loco dei (in His place to represent Him)
Observing: mother-father (and other adult) relationships
• children learn to relate through observing adult relationships
• how we, their parents, speak and listen to each other
• the physical affection we show
• whether and how we resolve conflicts
• children need to see firsthand the modeling of an intimate, committed adult relationship
• if parenting together, consider doing The Marriage Course to invest in your relationship
• if not parenting together, work at having thebest possible relationship with your child’s other parent (resolving conflict, forgiveness, consistency, etc.)
Question: Where is your child learning most about how to build healthy relationships?
some people react like a rhino – when angry, they go on the attack and express their feelings aggressively
some people react like a hedgehog – when angry, they protect themselves and bury their feelings
learning to control our anger
1. Recognize the root of our anger
HALT – ask: Am I Hungry, Anxious, Lonely or Tired?
displaced anger: buried anger caused by someone in the past can come out in the present against someone else
deal with unresolved hurt from the past through forgiveness
2. Take time out to calm down
press the pause button
avoid jumping to conclusions
3. Label the action not the child’s character
avoid phrases like “You’re so careless” or “You’re so unkind”
children can believe labels
labeling the action helps them to change, e.g.; That was a careless thing to do” or “That was an unkind remark to make”
4. Use “I” statements to express own feelings
helps us to avoid labeling other people
easier for them to respond constructively
and make changes in their behavior
Do you tend to react more like a rhino or a hedgehog? What helps you express your anger effectively? How do your children tend to react? What helps them?
